XFiles Bunch
by Spookykat
Summary: Here's the story...of a man named Mulder... written waaaay before we knew S9 was even ending


Title: Crossover Hell: The X-File Bunch  
  
Authors: Scully3776 and Spookykat  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Subject: Here's the story of a man named Mulder  
  
Spoilers: S9 (only minor)  
  
Keywords: Snark, Crossover, Slash (KSR),   
Carterbash (can we make that a new category if it   
isn't already one?), Meepy/Meepmork, LGM, CSM, Reyes,   
Bradford Follmer, MSR, Doggett  
  
DISCLAIMER: To the people behind the Brady Bunch:   
thank-you for a show that's so easy to parody. FOX   
Network and 1013, if you give us Mr. Carter's   
characters, Agents Dana Scully, Monica Reyes, John   
Doggett, and AD's Bradford Follmer, Walter Skinner,   
Fox Mulder, CSM, Krycek, Ringo Langley, John Byers,   
Melvin Frohike, Meepy/Meepmork (AKA William ) and whoever you decide to name Lucy   
Lawless' character for about an hour, we promise we'll   
get you to S10. David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson,   
Robert Patrick, Annabeth Gish, Chris Carter, Mark   
Snow, Carey Elwes, and Frank Spotnitz, let us put it   
to you simply: This penniless pair loves your work.   
Please take this piece of insanity with the humor that   
it is intended.   
  
  
(The melodious sound of people singing out of tune)   
  
Here's a story of a man named Mulder  
who was busy with three gunmen of his own  
they were bored men  
living altogether  
they were all alone   
  
Here's a story of a skeptic lady  
Who was busy raising a Meepmork all alone  
He had red hair just like his mother  
Which he liked to wear in curls...   
  
Meepy (singing) Oh I feel pretty, oh so pretty! I feel   
pretty and witty and g-   
  
Langly: Wrong show, dumbass...   
  
  
So the one day when this lady met this fellow/And they   
knew it was much more   
than a hunch...   
  
Scully (interrupting) Although we followed this hunch up   
with scientific, rational thought...   
  
**Cue the sounds of groaning**   
  
So this crew became a.... a..... um..... Searchers for   
little green men....   
Mulder interjecting: They're gray!   
Frohike: Shut up!!!   
  
Anyways that's how the became the X-File Bunch!!!!   
  
The X-File Bunch!   
The X-File Bunch!   
That's the way   
We became the X-File Bunch!!   
  
[We find ourselves in a cozy house that was trendy in   
the 70's]   
  
Meepy: (banging on the bathroom door) Langly! You better   
let me in there Langly! Lemme in there or my bat will   
meet your laptops! Laaaaaaangly!   
  
Scully: (Coming up the stairs) Meepy, honey, what's all   
the fussing   
  
Meepy: Mommy, I hafta use the bathroom REEEEEEEEEEEAlly   
bad and Langly won't let me in.   
  
Scully: Meepy, Langly is a grown man...there are certain   
things that grown men need to do in bathrooms.   
  
Meepy: But Mommy, he doesn't take a shower...he doesn't   
brush his hair...   
  
Scully: You'll understand when you're older dear.   
  
Meepy: I can read your thoughts, Mommy. I understand   
NOW!   
  
Scully raises a questioning eyebrow   
  
Meepy: Frohike let me watch HBO with him last night.   
  
Scully: Meepy...your Daddy and I will have a long talk   
with Frohike when he   
comes home. You just have to be patient and wait. This   
house has four grown men   
living in it and only one bathroom. Six kids did it   
before us.   
  
Meepy: Six kids did it?! In here?!?! Eeeeeeeeeew that's   
DISGUSTING!!   
[Scully raises her infamous eyebrow at him in reply]   
  
Scully: I'm going to see if Skinner needs anything from   
the grocery store. When I get back, I want to hear all   
about how you and Langly worked out bathroom privileges   
[she goes downstairs to the kitchen]   
  
Skinner: [on the phone] Well, make it happen!   
  
Scully: Oh, glad to see the maid's uniform that was left   
here fits you so nicely!   
  
Skinner: It doesn't make me look fat?   
  
Scully: [lying] no, blue's your color! Do you need   
anything from the store?   
  
Skinner: No, thank you Dr. Scully. I went with my friend   
down the street, Marita Corruvabias...you know they just   
got a new dog, Queequeg...anyway, I went to the store   
with her today and the butcher there...Krycek...cut me a   
nice slice of uh...meat...today."   
  
Scully: He did?   
  
Skinner: [nodding] uh huh he's taking me to lunch on   
Saturday. He's only got one arm, but other than that,   
he's just dreamy.   
  
Meepy: [comming down the stairs] Skinner, have you seen   
Doggett around lately? I can't find him anywhere?   
  
Skinner: Oh, Meepy, I'm sure he'll show up. He might be   
chasing Monica again. Have a homemade chocolate chip   
cookie.   
  
Monica: Meow!   
  
Scully: Well, there blows THAT theory  
  
Mulder: (in his characteristic monotone) Honey, I'm   
home!   
  
Scully: Oh Mulder! (Scully scampers to the living room   
to meet her man with Skinner in tow)   
  
Mulder: How was your day honey?   
  
Scully: Oh Mulder, you need to talk to the kids. Meepy   
and Langly are fighting over the bathroom again and we   
can't find Doggett!   
  
Mulder: Fucking dog. Should have shot him when I had the   
chance.   
  
Scully: (whispering a la Gillian Anderson) **David, stay   
in character, that's not how Mike Brady would talk**   
  
Mulder: (whispering as well) Gillian, I don't give a   
rat's ass about how Mike Brady would handle this, this   
entire script is asinine. I am not getting paid for what   
I'm worth and if Carter even THINKS he's going to whore   
this show off to FX as well, I'm going to stick this   
script of his up where the sun doesn't shine (shakes   
script book in the air furiously)   
  
GA: (fuming now) Well David, if YOU hadn't left the REAL   
X-Files to pursue a crappy film career, the show   
wouldn't have been cancelled mid-season and we   
wouldn't be have been farmed out to TV Land and stuck in   
this virtual re-run crossover hell and I'd still have my   
nice trailer-   
  
Duchovny: Oh, fine, Gillian, blame ME for the crappy   
scripts 1013 cranked out for Season Eight!!! Go ahead!   
You can kiss my big white as-   
  
Skinner: (clearing his throat discreetly) Um... guys? We   
ARE being watched you know. (points to the audience)   
  
Mulder and Scully look out into the audience, look at   
each other, put their arms around eachother and plaster   
fake smiles on their faces.   
  
Duchovny: (whispering furiously) I'm only doing this   
because I have Tea and West   
to worry about.   
  
Anderson: (whispering back) And Piper needs a new pair   
of shoes, so let's pretend to lurve each other like the   
fans want us to because (mimicking Mulder's last line in   
"Existence") "It's the truth we both know."   
  
Duchovny: God damn shippers. (back as Mulder)All right,   
Scully, I'll have a talk with the kids, but after I   
announce my big news!   
  
Scully: Oh Mulder, I can hardly wait!!!   
  
Skinner: (examining himself in the mirror) This blue   
dress DOES make me look fat!!! (shakes his fist towards   
heaven) DAMN YOU CARTER!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!   
  
[In the bedroom]   
  
Scully: [As Gillian Anderson] Mulder! It's always   
Mulder! Mulder! Mulder! Mulder! The whole show is about   
Mulder's SISTER, about Mulder's ABDUCTION... Scully's   
sister dies and gets all of two episodes...Scully gets   
abducted for half a season and David gets Nic Lea to   
work with...what do I get? The bad guy from T2!!   
  
[Mulder comes in to change his things] Gillian, they're   
watching.   
  
Scully: Your the one who didn't want to be type   
casted...now look at you, you're stuck in dumb sci-fi   
rolls.   
  
Mulder: Oh...like anybody wanted to watch some dumb   
chickflick not even on cable.   
  
Scully: Did anybody come see your dumb Evolution movie?   
I don't THINK so.   
  
Mulder: [pouting] Tea and West did!!   
  
Scully: You let a 2 year old see a PG-13 movie?! Maybe   
next time you could take her to the porn section with   
you.   
  
Mulder: Gillian, they're watching.   
  
Scully: Oh...yeah...um...so Mulder, care to fill us in   
on the big news?   
  
Mulder: We're going to Hawaii! I have to go out there   
for a case, and Kersh invited us all out there. The   
Cunningham family out in Millwauke is missing   
their son Chuck.   
  
Scully: Aloha.   
  
Mulder: Not so fast, Scully...I'm not so sure this is a   
good idea Scully: Why not, Mulder? It's summer vacation   
for Meepy.   
  
Mulder: Well...my new client, Diana, is coming with us.   
  
Scully: Diana? The bitch is back?   
  
Mulder: She sorta has to, she's my client. Gillian, just   
be happy the fans are   
ok with you leaving.   
  
Scully: [As Gillian, pouting] They like you better than   
me!   
  
Mulder: [As David] Meanwhile, I'll be reduced to   
infomercials if we don't get our asses in character...so   
put up or shut up.   
  
  
Meepy: [whispering] I see dead people   
  
Langly: Wrong movie again, dipshit. Kid actors!   
  
Frohike: The only good thing that ever came from a kid   
actor was Backdraft.   
  
Meepy: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas was pretty cool.   
  
Frohike: Alright. I'll give ya that.   
  
Scully: [coming down the stairs, grinning] Infomercials,   
David! Infomercials!   
  
Mulder: [Following her, also grinning] Pokemon shoes,   
Gillian! Pokemon shoes!   
  
Meepy: [shouting, arms flung open] I'm KING OF THE   
WORLD!!   
  
Chris Carter: [coming out in front of the camera,   
shaking his script angrily] Kid, who's your agent?! Do   
you realize how many Goddamn copyright suits I'm gonna   
get if you keep this up! [glares at Mulder]My ass has   
too much bitten out of it to spare another lawsuit.   
[doorbell rings]   
  
Skinner: [casually giving Carter the bird as he walks   
past] I'll get it   
  
Mulder: Spender?! I thought you were dead.   
  
Spender: Evil doesn't die [glaring at Carter] see,   
nobody likes cryptic shit. Mulder, I am your father.   
  
Mulder: Gee...that's original.   
  
Scully: *cough* Infomercials! *cough   
  
Spender: You want the truth, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE   
TRUTH!!!   
  
Frohike: [mumbling] ixnay on the icholsonay   
  
Spender: [looking disappointed] Aw, but I was having fun   
  
Frohike: You make me wanna be a better man.   
  
Carter: Damn...wish I couldda come up with something   
like that instead of that   
touchstone crap.   
  
All: So do we!   
  
Chris Carter: [to Mark Snow] No, we can't use that song,   
my attorney said we might get sued, no...that one's   
gotta go too.   
  
SNOW: The x-files theme?!? So what do we play instead?   
  
Chris Carter: God Bless America...there's irony in that   
song and my show, don't you think?   
  
Frank Spotnitz: [to CC] The same lawyer that defended   
you when David sued?   
  
Chris Carter: You've got a point. Somebody get me the   
yellow pages and look under the legal section!   
  
Spotnitz: Your story ideas?!?   
  
Chris Carter: [ignoring Spotnitz] [to Meepy] Kid, since   
it's a weekend, and you're not a part of the actors'   
union, we'll keep you on for a season. Then you'll   
die...got it?   
  
[Meepy only nods in response, and everybody moves   
magically into position for a dinner scene]   
  
Scully: [As Gillian] Got continuity?   
  
Mulder: [trying not to laugh] Well gang, looks like   
we're going to Hawaii for the summer.   
  
Meepy: But Doggetts gone...we gotta find him...we just   
gotta or I'm going to have a tantrum and shut myself in   
my room for no apparent reason!   
  
Skinner: Sporks anyone?   
  
Meepy and Scully: No!   
  
[Mulder hesitates, nods head in consideration, and   
Scully gives him the raised eyebrow, Meepy gives him the   
bird, and he finally shakes his head]   
  
Scully: Now Meepy, that's no way to talk to Mulder.   
  
Mulder: I suggest everybody get a good nights sleep   
tonight, because tomorrow, we're off to Hawaii.   
  
[Spookykat puts on flame retardant clothing and crosses   
fingers, hoping and praying she won't be sued by the   
lawyers who are worried about being sued because of   
this]   
  
*this next post is thanks to LoneAgent27*   
  
[In the TLG Bedroom with color coordinating bunks]   
  
Frohike: [wearing Tazmanian Devil PJ's] It's always   
Langly! Langly, Langly, Langly, Langly Langly! LANGLY   
hacks into everything. LANGLY wins all the computer   
games. What the hell does that four-eyed blondo got that   
I haven't got?   
  
Byers: [entering in Batman pajamas with matching   
slippers] Hair.   
  
Frohike: What the hell do *you* know Virgin Monkey Boy?   
  
Meepy: [from the bathroom] a Y Chromosome.   
  
Frohike: When you grow pubic hair, then we'll talk   
freak.   
  
Langly: [in Cap'n Toby PJ's] Hey guys.   
  
Frohike: Oh, shove it up your bandwidth, Barbie.   
  
Langly: What bug crawled up his A Drive and died?   
  
Byers: Pay no attention to him, Langly, he's got   
Joystick envy   
  
In the sewers of D.C.   
**********************   
  
Flukeman: [in Russian] It's always Leonard Betts! Betts!   
Betts! Betts! Betts! Betts! What's that freak of nature   
got that I haven't got? So he can grow new body   
parts...so he eats tumors...Whoopidy-freakin'-do. Ok, so   
he can talk, ok so he's human. Human's ain't all they're   
cracked up to be. And while Betts gets all the glory   
what am I doing down here? I'm stuck without my bottom   
half in a shitty sewer Pickafrackabrickingrrrrrr   
[cussing a la Fred Flintstone]  
  
  
Meanwhile... back at the X-Files House   
The Living Room   
  
Skinner: (walking in, drying his hands on his apron) The   
dishes are done, Mr. Mulder. I'll be turning in for the   
night.   
  
Mulder: Going to bed, Skin-Man?   
  
Before Skinner opens his mouth, the door bell rings.   
cully, wobbling in her seventies retro stilletto heeled   
boots, trepiditiously maked up the three stairs to the   
front door. She opens it and There's Our Krycek, in all   
of his one-armed glory, clad in leather and holding a   
bouquet of daisies.   
  
Skinner: (face lighting up in a big grin) Going to bed   
sir! Why, yes I am! (Prancing up the stairs, shoves   
Scully aside, takes the flowers, throws them aside,   
hitting Scully in the face-   
  
Scully: Ow!   
  
-and leaps into Krycek's arms - um, sorry - arm and   
gives him a big wet smootch.   
  
Krycek carries him off into the night.   
  
Mulder: (Covering his eyes with his hand in abject   
revulsion) I didn't need to see that.   
  
Just then, the door flies open. John Doggett, dressed as   
a NYPD cop stalks in as if he owns the joint. He shoves   
a picture of Edward Furlong in Scully's face.   
  
Doggett: Have you seen this boy?   
  
Mulder: (throughly ticked off by this point) WRONG SHOW   
PUPPY MAN.   
  
Doggett: (hanging his head in embarrassment) Dammit.   
(Leaves)   
  
Scully: (a la Carol Brady, the only one still trying   
desperately to stay in character) Oh Mulder...   
  
Mulder: Oh shut up, Scully you ignorant slut.   
  
Meanwhile, from upstairs...   
  
Meepy: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad   
  
Mulder: Crap. (heaving a big sigh, he pushes Scully   
aside and stomps up the stairs)   
  
Scully: (storms off the set and confronts Chris Carter)   
This sucks! The writing sucks! The costumes sucks! My   
hair (points to her once lovely auburn locks now   
restyled a la Carol Brady) sucks! And my pay SUCKS! I   
want a raise! I want to be paid as much as David is   
getting paid! I am tired of this bs that just because   
I'm a woman, the industry seems to think that I don't   
deserve an equal amount of pay as a man. Well, let me   
ask you, Mr. Chris Carter? Did I take you to court   
and sue the pants of you when you sold The X-Files to   
FX??   
  
Carter (to Mark Snow) When did I lose control?   
  
Snow: You had control? Since when?   
  
Warning Minor S9 Spoilers, but hey, if you come on the   
official x-files site at all, how can you avoid them...   
*************************************************  
It is the next morning, we are in the x-file office,   
Dogget comes in.   
  
Doggett: [as Robert Patrick, Practicing his NY/Southern   
Accent] Muldah! MULdah...MulDAH...   
  
Spotnitz: [I thought Doggett was the dog]   
  
Carter: Oh Damn! Well...he is...uh...he's an alien   
dog...morphed into human...yeah...that can work, can it?   
  
[Reyes enters] Same for Reyes.   
  
Reyes: [as Annabeth Gish, shaking head] What kind of   
CRAP is this?   
  
Mulder: [as Duchovny, whispering] Careful, you're   
new...Carter's feeling pissy today, he might deside to   
kill you off.   
  
Reyes [as Gish] Thanks for the tip. Maybe I can give you   
some pointers for not being typecasted.   
  
Brad Follmer [in green tights, tunic, hat with a   
feather, singing] We're men, we're manly men, we're men   
in tights! [DD and Robert Patrick joins them] We roam   
around the forrest looking for fights! We may look like   
pansies, but look at us wrong and you put out your   
lights!   
  
Reyes: [as AG] that's one way to do it.   
  
CC: Wrong show DUMB ASS! Get out of those God-awful   
tights! If Mel Brookes sues me for Copywright   
infringements, you're paying the lawyer's fees.   
  
[Carey Elwes moves over to an open window, Reyes   
casually goes over to him and nonchalantly shoves him   
out the window.   
  
Reyes: That was theraputic.   
  
Follmer [falling out the window]   
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas Yooooooooooooooooooooou   
Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish!!!!!!!!!!!   
  
Lucy Lawless: [Flipping in a la Xena]   
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeee   
  
[goes to save Follmer as he's falling out the window].   
Alright, we're going to settle this once and for all...a   
death match between Carter and all the angry S8 fans. [a   
mob of angry noromos and shippers suddenly appear with   
sporks and flamethrowers]   
  
Frohike: [appearing outta nowhere] Alright, whose got   
money on Carter?   
  
Reyes: [handing him money] what the hell, I don't wanna   
bother looking for a new job already.   
  
Doggett: [coming from the sidelines, handing money] This   
is a sinking ship, Carter, your ass is grass!   
  
Carter: Mommy!   
  
[LL and CE come up out of the window]   
  
CE: I've got a hundred on CC. What the hell...I like the   
underdogs.   
  
LL: Same goes for me...I need all the references I can   
get.   
  
All of a sudden, men in black pick Chris Carter off and   
drag him off to the MTV Celebrity Deathmatch Arena with   
the horde of angry Philes following...   
  
Spotnitz (to Mark Snow as they arrive at the arena) I   
thought this thread was a parody-cross-over of X-File   
characters in Brady Bunch situations.   
  
Snow: Where have you been for the last nine years? Since   
when is ANYTHING on this damn show been what it appears   
to be.   
  
Spotnitz: Good point. Think we can get good seats at the   
Deathmatch?   
  
Snow: Naw, look, see, Duchovny and Anderson already   
snagged them.   
  
Carter: (yelling at DD and GA) You two come down and   
help me NOW. I MADE you!!! I made you into the stars you   
are today.   
  
Duchovny: Do you hear something?   
  
Anderson: There's an annoying buzzing noise coming from   
the arena but other than that, no... say, since we're   
not in Brady Bunch land anymore, do I have to keep   
my hair like this? (points to Carol Brady 'do on her   
head)   
  
Duchovny: (cringing) Oh for the love of God no. I'm just   
glad we got out of there before they gave all of the   
male characters perms.   
  
Anderson: **whew** (takes Carol Brady wig from hell off   
and fluffs her real hair)   
  
The ref: And in this corner, creator of one of the   
finest sci-fi series on television who tonight is going   
to fight for his life against leagions of disappointed   
fans.... Chris Carter!!!   
  
Carter: (shaking fist at Duchovny and Anderson) I HATE   
YOU GUYS!!!   
  
The ref: - and in this corner.... one thousand thirteen   
angry fans.   
  
1013 Fans: Grr!! (brandishing sporks and flamethrowers)   
The ref: Let's get it on! (quickly gets out of the way)   
  
Shipper: This is for letting Mulder leave!   
  
NoRomo: This is for even hinting that Mulder is the   
father of Meepmork!   
  
About two minutes later...   
  
The ref: Well... in the shortest Deathmatch in the   
history of Celebrity   
  
Deathmatch... the fans are victorious!!!   
  
Gish: Crap, I'm out of a job... and a hundred bucks.   
  
Patrick: Have you seen this boy? (hold up photograph)   
  
Gish: Quit it.   
  
Patrick: No, I'm serious, have you seen this kid (holds   
picture of Meepy up) I   
was supposed to watch him but I forgot all about him.   
  
Gish: (sighing) Let's go...   
  
Meanwhile...   
  
as the former stars and partners of the X-Files sit in   
the stands, watching the janitor mop up the grease spot   
that was once Chris Carter....   
  
Duchovny: Well that was kind of cool. What do you want   
to do now?   
  
Anderson: Go shoe shopping for Piper and West?   
  
Duchovny: Cool. Let me call Tea and see if she'll let me   
use the credit cards....   
  
"The X-Files Bunch   
The X-Files Bunch   
That's the way we   
became the X-Files Bunch!"   
  
*************************************************  
All references towards people fact or fictional, living,   
dead or otherwise was not intended to destroy careers or   
to imply salacious behaviors in their personal lives.   
This thread was a satirical creation borne of our   
frustration that s9 will not showcase the character of   
Agent Fox Mulder at all...   
  
(translation: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SUE US!!!!)   
  
Until our next bored Friday night everybody…  
  
**Finis** 


End file.
